Today’s skit is brought to you by the letter C, Jello, and the side characters only let out on special occasions… Summer heat just makes it harder to keep them inside, as the chaos expands beyond the bar when it’s warm enough to be outside also.

I remind you again that Red Letters world makes truth stranger than fiction, so please enjoy the chaos logged on this particular night. You can bet Tweety didn’t exactly love it…

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“They won’t care, it’s a party. No one will look at the pool for a while. We have time.”

One bar patron spoke to his buddies.

“But doesn’t jello need chilling?”

“Dude, that’s why we’ve got pudding too!’ 

Frat brothers with extra time on their hands? That was a mess Tweety would hate to find. Good thing she was busy inside the bar, being the center of story telling chaos instead.

Who was lifeguarding the pool tonight? 

Collar. The resident prankster and questionable cop, with the streak of green hair. Tweety might require him to wear swim trunks around the pool instead of man thongs, but it was still his place to care for. And these boys were interrupting his book reading time. 

How could he possibly prank Tweety if he didn’t get time to prepare? 

The boys dumped about ten boxes each, and were already starting to see the amount of work this would take, as it barely turned the clear blue water red in any way.

Nira, Soulful Night Club’s co-owner famous for being a tech wiz in a top hat and tails, strolled out to sit on Collar’s lounge chair. 

“You’re letting them do this?” A puff of smoke curled its way out of Nira.

Collar briefly closed his book and shrugged. “So are you.”

“I’m getting an idea for a creation. I’d have to look up the chemical elements, but maybe I could make dense cocoa balls for the pool.” Using his cane like a pointer, Nira drew Collar’s attention to the filter. “That’s going to get so messed up before they run out of powder boxes. Who do you think she’s going to yell at more?”

“You, for watching and not doing anything about it?” Collar chuckled. Getting Tweety to yell at him was always the point Collar wanted, like whipped cream on the jello or pudding cup. It made him giddy. So yes, that’s why he’d sit and watch this play out as long as these guys didn’t fall in. 

“Not Tweety. That’s like my sister man, I don’t have that kinky desire to get yelled at by her as much as you do. I meant my gal. Bebe.” Nira took out a notebook and started doing equations in it. “Them for dirtying the pool before her midnight streaking? Or me for not having thought of this sooner?” Nira smiled like a smitten man. “Is it bad that I almost don’t want this to work so we can test making water into something chocolate for a long time?”

“There are days you make me glad my problems are only kinky desires to get yelled at, questionable drink choices, and a brain that thinks in pranks. Also, you, because you love it when Bebe punishes you and you don’t get to leave the basement for a week.”

Collar watched the boys finish off one bag of their powder box attempts, and they switched to mixing pudding and jello together just trying to get it to cover a small section of the pool. But they weren’t stirring it, so some sank in clumps, some dissolved in the waves, and Collar would bet money they didn’t think about the chlorine in the pool. Which reminded him…

“Don’t forget the pH factors from the chlorine, as well as the sweltering days. Or what happens to your experiments if it rains.” 

Nira nodded and scribbled down the thoughts. He was still scribbling like a mad man, cigarette hanging from his lips as he breathed it in and out, not daring to use his hands on any other task.

“Watch the club for a bit? I need to think.”

Collar nodded, pulling out his phone, popping open the club feed to watch inside while he sat outside. Nira slowly wandered away physically, but he’s been mentally gone for a bit now. Asking for help was a newer courtesy. Means the girls were getting to him. He could people in small doses. 

Watching him go, Collar caught the sight of plaid on the move, the dark green blending into the fading light. “Isn’t it too hot for that?”

The man who wouldn’t be named shrugged. “I would have taken a dip in the pool if needed, but I think it’s time to head out before she sees that brand new skimmer possibly getting dyed red now. Didn’t we keep the one that got bent last week just for weird things like this?”

Collar’s smirk grew. Yes, yes we had. Did he tell these boys and ruin the surprise with practicality? No, no he would not. The basketball shorts and backwards caps didn’t quite scream witches, but the fact that two of them held the stick to stir while the other dumped as much of the open packets they had? Gave Collar some giggles.

Tweety would be so very annoyed about this, not that crazy things happened all the time, just how much clean up would come here. Ten bucks said the filter system would need a thorough flushing. Fifty said these boys would be back to do it again. 

“Could I get them to use green next time?” Collar mused out loud, truly thriving in the impending doom and repeat possibilities. This was going to make his whole night!

“Do you smell chocolate?” Deej, dude most associated with earthy smoke smells and frustrating Tweety, meandered into the yard. Rodger, the smart lynx cat that he fostered, followed behind. They both sniffed the air following the smell towards the pool, ears flickering about.

“Check the pool?” Collar tried hard to sound like it was a mystery, but those darn cackling chuckles almost gave him away. Anyone else would think him nuts. Crazy recognizes crazy, and Deej just took it as advice.

Oh god, is it my birthday?!? Collar nearly squealed in delight. Tweety hated the mess in the pool, about as much as she hated airing out the club when there were hot wet fur smells. Did I tell them to jump in? Was that too evil?

Deej bent over and Rodger looked like he’d head butt the dude into the pool. But after another sniff, Rodger shook his furry head on a sneeze and walked away. Deej still scooped the water up, bringing it to his human nose for a sniff and a tentative lick.

“Why does the water have chemical kool aid flavoring? It smells like chocolate…”

Collar exploded with a loud bark of laughter and stopped himself before he got the right attention too early. Switching to the messaging app, Collar sent Sly a request:

Show Tweety this message. 

We need some bottles out here. Vodka, tequila, whatever you don’t mind wasting on jello shots.

Frat guys are filling the pool again.  

He hit send with so much glee that his finger almost slipped trying to switch back to the feed before the message was read. Tweety looked to be getting the message.

A muffled “WHAT” came from inside the club and Collar squirmed in his joy, getting up to anticipate this arrival. 

Tweety was the most polished bird Collar ever saw, ruffling her feathers even just like this, where no one else could tell she was annoyed? Made it all the more fun to poke at her. One day she would crack and join him in the pranks. Until then, he had to balance it carefully. She also had a mean hook, which he’d learned a few times from accidentally waking her or creeping up.

But the pranks? The shiver of anticipation said it all as Collar watched Tweety gesture excuses out of her usual story telling bar tender mode to grab a bottle and head his way. The threats of what wicked ideas lurked in that sweet looking noggin of hers could be outstanding if she ever dared to follow through on it. 

Tweety calmly walked out and to me as if it was perfectly natural. “How are you watching for trouble and yet letting it happen? Did someone tie you to the chair again?”

But that hiss in her voice? Low for me? Like steam off a tea pot. And now I couldn’t see her without seeing that I’m a little tea pot short and stout song. If I tipped Tweety over right now, she would absolutely clobber me for it. Especially if I sang it. For a second I really wanted to. Then I remembered we were here because of the dudes laughing near the pool unaware Mistress Tweety had arrived. 

This wasn’t my time to shine. 

She shoved the bottle into my chest, her attention turning to the men. “Do you boys frequently try to cook in someone’s pool without permission?”

Tweety moved closer to them, and Collar followed, as her big dog energy came from chihuahua size. She could verbally cut them to size if she wanted, but if there was trouble, Collar would cuff them one way or another. 

“Nothing you’re doing in my pool is going to work right now.” She popped a hand on her hip and gestured with the other. “The pool system won’t stop working, and if you clog it, you’re staying here to flush it. Plus it doesn’t get cold enough, it’s still hot at night.”

The most common sense form of it. Boring. Collar zoned out as Tweety lectured. Then the movement of Bebe caught his eye. Another agent of chaos? Interesting. 

“Tweety’s right.” Bebe bounced over in her work out wear. “This is a terrible plan. Has no chance of success.”

Tweety smiled, happy to have an ally. “Yes, thank you.”

But Bebe went on. “If you want jello shots by the pool, you have to use the pool floats, and a big fridge…”

Collar smirked and bit his lip so hard at the face Tweety tried to maintain to prevent her anger coming out. She wasn’t mad mad, but the insanity that surrounded her sometimes made her frustrated. And for a woman whose brand was kind and nice? That didn’t fit.

Tweety rounded on Collar again. The smirk fell and his eyes watched her. “Like it or not, you’re the sanest one out here. Make sure this all gets cleaned up and I don’t find crazy in the morning.” 

Vague, nice, boringly exhausted. Maybe Tweety was done with this sort of game, since it was the third time this week. Except, she poked at the bottle still in Collar’s chest.

“If you drink this all down and don’t handle the group of them, now including Bebe giving them suggestions?” Tweety’s eyes burned with determined fire, and her words were threatening whispers. “I will hang you upside down until you dry out. If it takes days, I will dunk you in the dirty pool for hydration.”

With a wicked smile, Tweety walked back into the club to continue her night, and Collar let out the breath he forgot he was holding.