What do you do when you feel like the bad energy in a happy situation? When everyone around you seems happy and you’re just disconnecting from everyone?

Today we have Remmy, a little short fiction on his feelings, and a little character background into what and why he weaves in and out of the series the way he does…

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Remmy, 2009

God I loved this place. Well, not the place, the people. We met in a place that was horrible, but it has my best memories. Soulful is great, for them. The found family, and Tweety especially, will be happy there. But me? My heart is still in Sinful, being stomped on by that woman. The one I thought I might be happy with. 

Tweety called it love bombing with a fickle heart.

I thought it was real, that I maybe changed the life of a working girl, but Raven proved she was a gold digger in the end. One day she was mine and she liked the things I did, cuddling into me. The next she was talking about some guy’s sports car, and how he liked her singing and wanted to take her to operas and fancy stuff that wasn’t my style. 

The worst part? I was happy there, finding my purpose guarding Tweety, and my heart with Raven. Then I feel like I failed both and don’t get to go to the new place. My place is in the dark space. 

Even now, watching Tweety get her groove on, hosting a full bar of people who knew her, no troubles in sight? I felt it. 

The disconnect, the numb, the my all isn’t here. And that too felt like failure. My job was a body guard and a friend, and I wasn’t much of either right now. Tweety gave me space, to feel my feelings, but I felt out of step here. Like Tweety would be ok without me. Of course she kindly pushed me to stay, or at least never be a stranger, but that’s what it felt like.

I felt like a stranger to myself right now. 

With my heart still hurting, I felt displaced. Tweety told me all about her journey when she was displaced and how that ended up being her starting point, how she became this bar owner and force of nature. 

Maybe that’s what I needed for myself? A little time alone where I didn’t try to help others, and could figure myself out. After all, Woods and Tweety seemed like they would be ok now, I didn’t need to intervene and play cupid for that pendejo and my doll face. There was nothing she could use as an excuse now.

And, maybe it was time for me to stop feeling numb and start figuring out what my excuses were too.

But first, it was another night of long island iced teas and watching couples couple up and trying not to be sick about it. You could be happy for them and hate it too, right?